Criss Counsellor Online Blog
Life is not always smooth sailing
Archive for February, 2010
Love Second Time Around
Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010
The reality of life is that man meets woman, man proposes to woman, woman says I do, man is unfaithful, woman wants out and man and woman are separated. For some people a divorce can be likened to the passing of a loved one where they go through the grieving process i.e. shock, denial, anger, sadness, acceptance. For some their self esteem is so impaired that they become overly reclusive or promiscuous. The woman hates the very sight of another man while the man pursues every “dress” that passes his way.
In some instances, since the divorce, the couple seems to spend more time together than apart; hence there is no closure to the relationship.
The truth is some divorcees come to the new relationships with many unresolved issues. The situation becomes even more complex if there are children in the picture.
For both parties they are back on the market once more and so determined to make it right the second time around.
What should a man/woman consider if they decide to date/marry a divorcee?
1.Find out what led to the divorce. On what grounds was the marriage dissolved?
2.If you can, listen the side of the story as told by the ex
3.Find out who has custody of the children
4.Find out what is the state of the relationship with the children
5.Find out what is the state of relationship with the ex
6.Will the children be living with you and your husband
7.How do his/her family members feel about the ex wife/husband
8.How do your family members (including your children) feel about the divorcee
9.Are there some “bad habits” that the person has that led to the divorce e.g. infidelity
10.What are legal obligations e.g. shared property, alimony etc.
Although one or both parties “have been there and done that” premarital sessions are very important as they seek to identify areas of compatibility /differences and to agree on what compromises will be made. It is quite easy for both parties to contrast and compare the present spouse with the former and so create unnecessary strain in the relationship.
The adjustment period can be quite a challenge as one or both parties in the marriage have to make a conscious effort to focus on the present relationship and not be distracted by events of the pass. The second wife must understand that if her husband had child/children from the first marriage, especially if the child/children are young, he will have to visit them, sometimes at the former wife’s home. She must also appreciate that the child may never accept her as “mom” and may even resent her. Every child would prefer to have both their parents residing under one and the same roof.
It is not uncommon for the former wife or husband to want to “bun bad lamp” for their former spouse. The new wife/husband must be aware of this ploy and not fall in that trap. Sometimes the ex is so hurt coming out the failed relationship that they want to inflict similar pain on their former partner.
There are also instances that the former couple though divorced, still visit each other and even engage in a sexual relationship. The new wife/husband need to be absolutely sure that there is closure on the past relationship before committing to the divorced individual.
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